ACT “AS IF”

By Martha E. Fagan, RN, BSN

What if the way we act, our chosen behaviors, could change the way we think and feel?

William James, considered the “Father of American psychology” states, “If you want a quality, act as if you already have it.”  

James is suggesting that we can take deliberate action to attain a desired state of being.  For instance—whistling is not merely a sign of confidence and ease; whistling can foster confidence and ease.  We can act our way to change.  It turns out the oft cited advice of “Fake it until you make it!” holds credence.

Western society has gradually accepted a holistic mindset, recognizing the power of the mind/body connection, after centuries of adhering to the concept of dualism.  Dualism purports that the mind and body are totally separate.  Thankfully we now know that this thinking is false…our mind and body are one, together creating our whole.   How our bodies respond may vary…what doesn’t vary is that our bodies do respond to our thoughts and emotions.

The immediacy of a physical response, the seamlessness of it, leaves little doubt of this fact.  Joy can bring forth an instant smile or happy tears, feeling anxious can cause flushing, sweating and shakiness, feeling fearful can cause dry mouth, a pounding in our chest from our racing heartrate and hyper-alertness as we go into our “fight or flight” response.  These physical responses are undeniable, observable and measurable.

A bit harder to quantify is how our actions impact our mind.  Thankfully research shows there is a correlation.  Social psychologist Daryl Bem’s Self-Perception Theory hypothesizes that in the same way we draw conclusions by observing others behaviors, so too do we draw conclusions by observing our own behavior.

For example: we’re walking along and notice a young man stop to help an elderly woman struggling to cross the street.  We conclude, based on seeing the young man’s behavior, that he is kind.  We observe ourselves in this same way, drawing conclusions based on our actions.

Putting this theory into practice…if we want to feel happier, smiling is a great place to start.  When we see someone smile, we smile back.  Why? Because smiling is evolutionarily contagious, and we have a subconscious innate drive to smile when we see one. This occurs even among strangers when there is no intention of connection.   Charles Darwin knew this when he developed the Facial Feedback Response Theory, which suggests that the act of smiling actually makes us feel better (rather than smiling being merely a result of feeling good).  To read more about smiling read The Untapped Power of Smiling.

We “see” ourselves smile and before you know it, we do feel better.

As we continue to face fear and anxiety over what is proving to be an extended change in our daily lives due to the unrelenting pandemic, we may find ourselves struggling to foster a sense of wellbeing.  With more than six months under our belts I think it’s safe to say we know there’s a long road ahead so figuring out what is helpful to us is certainly worth exploring.

And, since we can’t see each other smiling behind the masks, we’re tasked with finding alternative ways to give ourselves a boost.

Getting up, making our beds, showering and dressing as though we were going out in the world helps us feel grounded and ready for the day, rather than feeling listless by staying in our pajamas all day.  Simple behaviors matter.  It takes discipline to act normal when we’re living in our ‘new’ normal AND it’s worth the effort to do so.

“Fake it until you make it”, is not inauthentic and silly, it works!

You don’t feel like going for a walk, but you do, and chances are pretty good you feel better because of it.  You don’t feel social, but you call a friend to see how they’re doing, and your spirit is uplifted from the conversation and connection.  You’re not feeling particularly generous in spirit, but you find a simple way to do something kind for someone and your mood improves—and you find yourself wanting to do more.  You don’t feel motivated to do the chores facing you, but you begin by doing one thing and before you know it you’ve ticked off several items on the To Do list and feel a sense of accomplishment.  You have acted your way to feeling better.

Social psychologist Amy Cuddy’s research shows the connection between the way we hold ourselves, our physical postures, and how we feel.  Her research shows a clear relationship between taking a “power pose” and feeling more confident, more powerful.  Critics attacked the research questioning whether the results could be duplicated but Cuddy has defended her findings garnering support for her results; read more here.

There are physical correlates for our emotions…Placing our hands on our hearts invokes feelings of love, hands in prayer brings forth gratitude, taking a power pose with our arms above our head in a “V” shape makes us feel more powerful, and the list goes on.  Our bodies affect our mind and emotions. 

We are whole beings.  We are reminded once again that action is necessary for change.  We can’t think our way to a better place, but we can take steps to get there.   

Martha Fagan is the Vice Chair of the Bacon Free Library. She may be reached through her email at mefagan.bfl@gmail.com

Among the many anticipated new books this fall is the latest novel by Elena Ferrante, The Lying Life of Adults. Elena Ferrante is a pseudonym for an Italian author whose identity remains unknown. Ferrante has written several novels beginning in the ’90s, but found international fame with the Neapolitan Novels.

The series of four books (My Brilliant Friend, The Story of a New Name, Those Who Leave and Those Who Stay, and The Story of the Lost Child) follows two friends growing up in 1950s Naples through adulthood. The books were a huge success, introducing Ferrante to readers around the world and fueling more curiosity about her true identity. My Brilliant Friend was adapted into an Italian television series that aired in the U.S. on HBO, with future seasons planned based on the other novels.

Ferrante’s latest book is translated into English by Ann Goldstein, who has translated many of her books. A Netflix adaptation of the book is currently in development. 

Borrow Elena Ferrante’s books and audiobooks, ebooks, and the My Brilliant Friend TV series.

OUR WEB OF CONNECTION

By Martha E. Fagan, RN. BSN

While pondering what to write this week my thoughts kept returning to the importance of connection in our lives.  The importance of family, of friends, of community, of feeling like we’re part of a network.

As COVID restrictions continue and we try to find ways to stay close while remaining physically distant it’s easy at times to feel isolated.  It’s hard to feel connected when we’re not seeing people’s smiles behind their masks, not hugging a grandchild, not being able to console a grieving friend by lending a shoulder to cry on, not holding the hand of someone in pain or simply not sitting close around a dinner table.

Several years ago, I wrote a blog about an incredible experience of connection in my life that exemplified much of what the scientific research supports about the importance of connection and relationships in our lives.

I’m including it here below… keep in mind as you read this is pre-COVID.   

“Last weekend my dear friend Rita asked if I would help her move into her new apartment. We have been friends for over 30 years, so this was not the first time she has requested my help with moving.  The difference this time was that it was not an exciting or enlivening move to a new place… rather it was leaving a place called home. Rita is in the midst of a separation from her husband, and this move is the first of many necessary moves in the process.  In other words, it is a bittersweet new beginning in her life.

Saturday morning dawned with gray skies and damp, cold, New England “spring” weather.  Staying snuggled in my warm bed with my current good book was far more appealing than making an hour-long trek to help out.  Since friendship trumps reading in my world, I soon found myself climbing the stairs to Rita’s new abode, the first of many climbs that day.

Once in the apartment I was struck by a cacophony of sound…  women’s expressive voices of admiration screams of discovery and exclamation, and peals of laughter.  This room was filled with her call-in-the-middle-of-the-night friends, her “choir”.  This room was filled with LOVE!

In the book LOVE 2.0 How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do and Become, author Barbara Fredrickson PhD asks us to look at the emotion of love with new eyes.  She writes, “…although you may subscribe to a whole host of definitions of love, your body subscribes to just one:  Love is that micro-moment of warmth and connection that you share with another living being.”  Love happens in the moment.

Fredrickson is best known for her “broaden and build theory” described in her first book, Positivity.  Research supporting this theory shows that positive emotions—such as joy, amusement, gratitude, and love—open us up, widen our vision and allow us to see the big picture. “Those pleasant yet fleeting moments of connection that you experience with others expand your awareness in ways that accrue to create lasting and beneficial changes in your life.”   Positive emotions transform us for the better and utilizing them as we navigate our days helps us to overcome negativity and to thrive.   And love is the supreme positive emotion! 

Getting back to that gathering on Saturday morning, the connection and camaraderie in the room were palpable.  If we use Fredrickson’s definition of love, the shared moment of connection between people, then LOVE was present in that apartment in bold, capital letters!

Studies also have confirmed that people’s sense of connection through relationships is one of the top measures of well-being.  Having a sense of belonging, of being part of something, of caring and being cared for impacts how we feel and how we respond to life’s daily challenges.

David Meyers, a best-selling psychology textbook author describes it this way: “There are few better remedies for unhappiness than an intimate friendship with someone who cares deeply about you.  Confiding is good for soul and body.” 

We will all face challenges, sadness and loss in life.  The question is not if these “storms” will arise, but when?  Our feelings of connection help strengthen us by building our resilience muscles.   Nurturing our relationships is a way to enjoy life now and prepare for the times when life may not be so enjoyable. 

It turns out having a support network improves our overall health as well.  A study published in Science by House, Landis and Umberson concluded that having one or more close individuals in our lives, people we can rely on, has been found to be as important a factor for whether we develop chronic disease as the risk factors of smoking, hypertension, and obesity.  Simply put, social support could be considered a magic pill for health and happiness.

Another exciting insight is that we can glean moments of love in our simple everyday interactions with strangers and friends alike.  Making eye contact, smiling, actively engaging in the moment releases the love hormones in our bodies and brains in the same way as when we are interacting with those we consider dear to us.  As we evoke these moments of positivity in our days, we attract more of them, becoming a human magnet for positive emotion.

So, Rita will struggle through this chapter in her life AND she will have a much easier time because of the network of love and support she has surrounding her.  She can boost herself even more by consciously seeking positive moments of connection throughout her day…at work, in her neighborhood or at the grocery store.

There is much in our lives that we have little or no control over.  Thankfully building healthy relationships is not one of them.  We can strive to expand our circle of connection as one way of bringing joy to our days and helping to insulate us from life’s pain.  Our shared humanity is the platform on which we can build a life filled with love and meaningful relationships.

I’ll be there for my friend Rita and I know when I need her she will be by my side.  For that I am ever grateful.

Who’s in your circle?”

I hope reading this reminds you of the relationships in your life that sustain you and help you get through the toughest times.  We’re in such times now, we need each other, and we need to remember that the invisible lines of connection are still strong even with social distancing. 

During COVID times we need to see people’s smiles in their eyes, air hug our grandchildren, console a friend with kind words rather than a shoulder or hug and sit around a table leaving space between us.  It’s hard AND it’s worth all the effort to ensure we come through this with health, resilience and stronger relationships.

Martha Fagan is the Vice Chair of the Bacon Free Library. She may be reached through her email at mefagan.bfl@gmail.com

KINDNESS IS KING

By Martha E. Fagan, RN. BSN

“Be kind whenever possible.  It is always possible.” ~The 14th Dalai Lama

 I love this quote as it always reminds me that kindness is always accessible to us—even when, especially when—benevolence may not be front and center in our hearts and minds.

As the Pandemic continues, my emotions are raw, and my sleep is disturbed due to our country’s continuing civil unrest around racism and police brutality and the dueling political campaigns.  Right now, it feels that frustration, anger and agitation are more accessible than benevolence and equanimity.

The other truth is—2020 is a year of unprecedented challenges AND if we’re open to it…new opportunities.  So, I’m consciously focusing on finding ways to take the 2020 challenges and open the door to the opportunities.

This takes work.

One of the simplest ways to bring forth a shift in our mindset and invite openheartedness is with acts of kindness.  Innumerable studies have shown that performing acts of kindness raises our feelings of well-being and ultimately our happiness, 

Think about that for a minute, doing something kind for someone else raises our level of happiness—talk about a “win-win” situation!

From its purest place kindness blooms from a generosity of spirit—we can describe it as nurturance, care, compassion, altruism or doing for others.  We can “do” kind acts by helping others, but we give the most and get the most back when we act from a place of sincerity.  It seems our psyche knows if we are giving autonomous help, giving because we want to help, or just going through the motions.  The best is to act or give because we want to…not because we feel obligated.   

Oprah Winfrey was the first recipient of the Bob Hope Humanitarian award in 2002.  Her acceptance speech was humble and spoken from the heart.  You can watch it here.

In that speech she describes growing up with a cast of real characters…Fox and Shorty and Bootsy and Slim…gathering around the holiday dinner table.  She asked her father, “Why can’t we just have regular people at our Christmas dinner?”  To which her father replied, “They are regular people.  They’re just like you.  They want the same thing you do…they want to be fed.”

She goes on to describe how it took her awhile to realize he was not talking about food, rather he was telling her we all just want to know we matter.  We want validation.  We want to be seen.  We want to feel a part of something.

Acting in kind ways towards ourself and others can spring forth from this place of embracing our shared humanity.  Simple acts of kindness can show you “see” someone with all their little imperfections or quirks, and you care enough to choose to give of yourself.  Being kind to ourselves demonstrates the same generosity inward. 

Yesterday I was in a large retail store for the first time since our sheltering in place began in March (and truth be told I’d be happy if I didn’t go in one again for 6 months!).  I had one item to buy and there were 10 people ahead of me in line, being spaced 6 feet apart it seemed the register was miles away.  At first, I was checking email, sending text messages and idly staring at my phone screen feeling impatient and pondering whether I should give up and come back another time.  Then I decided to put the phone away and just “be” in the line.  I looked around at the people standing with me and took a few deep breaths.  Within a few minutes I began a conversation with the woman behind me who was trying desperately to keep her toddler occupied in the hopes of avoiding a meltdown.  I began to talk to the little girl, asking about her dolly, complimenting her pink sparkle shoes, etc.  I soon forgot my impatience and the long line and was having fun while waiting.  Her Mom was laughing too and later thanked me for my kindness and the welcomed diversion.

Consciously breathing, noticing and engaging in a simple act of kindness changed my experience from annoying to pleasant and uplifting.  Kindness from the heart always helps.

So, in the next week maybe you’ll consider ways to be kind to yourself and others…recognizing we are all fighting our own battle during these times.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Make a cup of tea, settle into your favorite chair and take 10 minutes for yourself. (and yes, even in these times we can all find 10 minutes).
• Begin or end your day by doing something you love…take a walk in nature, a bubble bath, stretch, savor your morning cup of coffee. Doing little things to nurture yourself is an act of kindness.
• The next time you’re driving give way to others, hold the door open for someone when entering/exiting a building, or let someone go ahead of you in line at the grocery store.
• Make it a point to speak to someone who looks different from you, actively practicing inclusivity.
• When communicating in writing or speaking choose kinder, softer words.
• Do a few random acts of kindness for people in your life…bring flowers to a friend, cook a meal to share, offer to make a run to the grocery store.
• Write a card to someone you care about for no reason except to bring a smile…yes, I’m suggesting a real card sent by USPS. Everyone still likes getting mail.   Call a friend you haven’t connected with in a while or send a silly text.

Whatever you choose to do—do it from a place of sincerity and generosity.  We all respond to kindness.  Kindness creates an atmosphere of positivity and we can certainly all use that now.

And I’ll leave you with a few more of my favorite quotes on kindness:

“The best portion of a good man’s (person’s) life: his little, nameless unremembered acts of kindness and love.”  ~Wordsworth

“When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people.” ~Abraham Joshua Heschel

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.” ~Oscar Wilde

Martha Fagan is the Vice Chair of the Bacon Free Library. She may be reached through her email at mefagan.bfl@gmail.com